For various reasons, I have been thinking a lot recently about what recovery means to me. There is one thing that I am clear on - to me, recovery is no more about weights and numbers than anorexia is; to reduce anorexia to numbers is to miss the point, to reduce recovery to numbers is to live your 'recovered' life in a different set of chains... So what is it? I think part of the trick to recovery is in the process of working out what a meaningful recovered life might be for oneself - and that is quite personal and idiographic. But there are also perhaps some themes, and somewhere in there there is an important thread around working through body image distress... A close friend is currently working through that process, as am I.
To me, recovery is certainly not about replacing one set of numbers and rules with another; that is not an excuse to live a life in denial, but I think to me it is important to not think of recovery in terms of BMI, not least because everyone has a different 'set point' and that point can and will change for any given individual in response to other factors outside of their control. Recovery is about reaching a place of psychological freedom, where emotional vulnerabilities can be navigated without using food/body as a source of emotional control/numbing.... Easier said than done! *sigh*... But it can be done, I believe this 100%; I believe everyone has fat days and body hang-ups but they don't always have to have the impact that they are having upon both myself and my friend just now.
Another important theme is around personal connections, trust, and vulnerability - these are things that not only challenge personal shame and self-hatred, but also add a great richness and colour to life. to me, my close relationships are completely invaluable and I will do anything that I can to support the people I love, both in good times and bad.
I also think, related to that, that a big part of recovery, and in particular relapse prevention, is about developing sufficient self-compassion to be able to be honest with oneself and with trusted others about times when things are more tricky and food/body issues are looming bigger in both our brain and our behaviour - that is a really great weapon. Personally, I have found a close friendship with a wonderful girl that I met on an EDU invaluable in this respect - I think we have developed an honesty with each other that has really helped me to fight back at the more shaming voices that my anorexia can come at me with. I feel that no-one deserves to feel shamed into silence and deception by their eating disorder, and learning safe ways to fight that is invaluable. I really liked this piece on lying and EDs: http://www.dropitandeat.blogspot.co.uk/2013/06/lying-and-eating-disorder-recovery-what.html
Finally, I personally feel that part of recovery is letting go of this unhelpful 'devil vs angel' schism with respect to anorexia... Depression etc. are commonly conceptualised as undestandable responses to particular combinations of personal vulnerabilities and life circumastances. Anorexia is instead talked about as some kind of evil spirit that one must be cleansed of - I find this unhelpful and counter-productive.
I personally feel that while I am often angry with anorexia, when other people get angry with it, a part of me wants to leap to its defence and point out that actually it has worked very hard to take care of me in the past (although of course it has also worked very hard to destroy me...). I've always worried about this 'angel vs devil' splitting of my thinking about anorexia - and I think it is something that professionals often reinforce by talking in a language of war and eradicating this evil thing. The thing for me, is as I move away from anorexic behaviours, my emotions become more intense, my anorexia gets more anxious and it screams more loudly "come back, let me make all this scary stuff go away for you" - it thinks that will make things better, because it misunderstands that I am no longer in a place where blocking out emotional pain is necessary or helpful as it was when I first became ill, so I need to find ways to ride these waves of emotions without doing what it tells me in order to reassure it that I don't need it to try to look out for me like this anymore, that I am stronger and more resilient and so it doesn't need to worry and interfere so much... With time and repetition, it should hopefully then feel reassured that I don't need it so much any more and quieten down a bit... I think this is a process I am trying to master at the moment... and I think I will, but that process will, like all others in recovery involve blimps, bumps, highs and lows - all this brings personal strength and a deeper knowledge of our own resiliency and how to harness that in times of distress. My friend rather beautifully described anorexia as like an emotional bomb shelter, and recovery as the process of venturing back outside and learning to trust and navigate the post-war world.
Ultimately, I strive to move back to intuitive eating, no weigh-ins, and more spontaneity, freedom, and fun - a life without number and rules determining how I *should* be - because I should be just as I come, there isn't a formula to win over acceptance, either from myself or anyone else... This is the thing with the body image stuff for me - it distresses me unbearably, but in the same stroke if anyone judged me based on the stuff that I am tormenting myself about, I would question why I had chosen to be friends with them... I love my friends regardless of their shape and size, and I don't believe for a second that they would care less about me if I were over-weight (or for that matter if I got really ill and underweight again). All that makes me determined to master my distress because I want to be able to treat myself in a way that is in line with my values - and those very clearly scream out that a persons worth is not and cannot be measured or determined by their physical appearance.... None of this is a magical cure, and I have often used a sign on my bedroom door: "what would you think or say if someone else was treating themselves as you are?" or variants of this... not rocket science, but I would be very sad for the girl who lost hours to tormenting herself in front of a mirror or screaming and crying over the curve of her stomach. And one day, that girl will no longer be staring at me in the mirror. And then if and when I meet her, I will be able to honestly say with complete authenticity "yes, that piece can go to" - that day will come. But I believe it come through riding out body distress without using behaviours to numb it, not despite that distress.
As Brene Brown says, one cannot selectively numb out the emotional lows, and I don't want to miss out on the highs that I am working so hard to discover and cherish.
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