Is God in the details?

There's a lot of talk around eating disorders around 'triggering' and unhelpful disclosure. There is also a lot of shame and secrecy. It may sound obvious, stupid, or naive, but to me the answer to much of this isn't that difficult... when I'm really ill, I'll be more vulnerable, I will never seek out tips etc. but I'll be vulnerable. When I read memoirs with details, or see posts on twitter etc about 'details' I see vulnerability and shame - a need to justify to oneself and others one's emotional pain through these rules and numbers and so on, because the protaganist perhaps is not fully holding onto the belief that they deserve support, that they deserve better whatever their 'details' may be. Then there are the other details, the hidden kind. Anyone with an eating disorder knows what I mean. These are not photos of fruit salads, or BMIs, or dexa scan results. These are waking at 2am in panic to sneak away and complete some exercise regime, avoiding sex or intimacy, going all day without food and then eating 12 slices of bread, taking laxatives to the point you damage your digestive system, regularly puking and hurting your teeth, fainting midway through a football match or whatever the individual 'push-points' may be. These are not my particular issues - they are a variety of things I encountered on an EDU. What became clear is recovery is about honesty, and tackling shame and imperfection. The NHS lets people down because numbers matter too much, and this is wrong, and it hinders a preventive approach. The critical thing to me is that I refuse to be a number - in illness or in recovery, if someone is struggling and vulnerable they may share numbers and that's ok, but it is sad that we cannot see past the numbers with eating disorders. BMI X is not the answer. Like any other mental health difficulty, flexibility and better coping strategies, greater honesty and good support are key. For me speaking and listening has been far more useful than hiding, and if one thing feels like it would be helpful it is making the nasty secrets and the dark truths around eating disorders more open - even as a relatively uncomplicated anorexic as the years have gone on, there have been bad bloods, health scares, and humiliations. Perhaps less talking about fruit salads and more talking about the true dangers and fears might help to open some doors, and make the NHS realise how badly some decent ED support is needed? These are one of the most dangerous mental health conditions - people should not be apologising for not recovering when many counties offer no outpatient preventive support. Perhaps more of the dirty truths of eating disorders and less of the instagrammed recoveries and memoir recipes is just what the doctor ordered?