I have be thinking about trying writing a blog for years (literally), and for some reason today I thought that I would bite the bullet and actually do so. It will probably be terrible, no-one will read it (which actually feels reassuring), and it will be another abandoned experiment in a few weeks, but at least I have tried....
I have this constant conflict between the fear that confessing to MH problems is risky and ill-advised at least until I have a secure career, and feeling passionate about the importance of fighting eating disorders, being positive about recovery, and speaking freely about these serious and depressingly overlooked MH difficulties. This long-avoided blog was intended to be a space for me to speak freely...
For a long time I held this terrible fear that perhaps recovery from AN isn't really possible and it held be back and trapped me - obviously looking back, that is a part of the illness, but whatever the cause, to me the solution was to find evidence to the contrary. I needed to KNOW that people did recover by finding someone who had. Around the same time that I embarked on this search, I made a new friend - she arrived on the EDU I was at 2 weeks before my discharge (a year ago now) and we clicked immediately, nothing to do with ED stuff, we share a love of foreign films, reading, the sea etc. I don't think she'll mind my saying that she was really caught up in AN when we first met, but I saw this wonderful girl buried underneath the illness and I couldn't help trying my best to encourage her out of her shell and help her to challenge AN as it waged war with her. She's such a wonderful person, I hoped that maybe if I opened up a little about my own path and what has helped me, it might somehow be of use to her or help her believe that she deserved treatment and that things could and would get better.
All the while I discovered Portia di Rossi's wonderful book, Ilona Barton's blogs, and Emma Woolf's column and book - and I took hope. More than that though, I was inspired by the openness and honesty in their writing, it was completely different from previous "recovery" writing that I've encountered where the writer couldn't quite help presenting a "perfect" anorexia that seemed to miss the hellish reality of my experiences of it, and didn't really seem to have left them behind. These frank and moving accounts of the awfulness of EDs and the hope of a real, meaningful recovery heartened and inspired me to take my own fight beyond just a healthy weight and seek out a healthy mind too.
Rather ironically, while I was seeking out hope and inspiration from others who had overcome EDs, I unintentionally became a source of hope and inspiration to my new friend. I can't help feeling uncomfortable about that, not because I don't care for her and want to offer her support, but because it makes me feel fraudulant - I still have wobbles and tears, and I worry that I'll fall into faking it and let her down, trying to be a "perfect" recovery when of course that is as illusive as "perfect" anorexia. She worries that she'll make me ill again, and I struggle to convince her of how much I gain from her friendship - that it is absolutely not a one-way thing. But despite both of us struggling with what is essentially a problem of low self-esteem, we have a wonderful relationship - we support each other, share fun, advice, tears, and laughter. We can both speak freely with the other about how things really are, and that's a great weapon in our wars with shame and self-criticism. A year on, and my small attempts at reaching out to someone and opening up a little for once, have gotten me a close and beautiful friendship, and that friendhsip has helped keep both of us positive about recovery, and brought us both many good times that no-one can take back.
I guess, what I was hoping to express by writing this (most probably to noone!) was (1) friendships are priceless, noone should be alone either in their struggles or in their joys, (2) recovery from EDs is possible - difficult but SO worth fighting for, and (3) talking about EDs can have positive impacts that go far beyond our expectations at the time - be it something as small as opening up to a friend about your experiences, or as brave and impressive as publishing a book, sharing recovery experiences (in a way that feels safe of course) spreads a message of hope, and that is a truly wonderful thing.
