Dear H,
Please don't do this to yourself. You tell yourself that you're in control, ok, that other people are thinner, that you're just doing what they do, that you're being 'healthy'. This isn't healthy, with time you will come to realise that, and to appreciate that if you find it hard to stop this, scary to eat cake (whether you want to or not is not the issue, you should be able to), hard to do what others do and have regular meals, then actually you are not in control at all: you are being controlled. Anorexia is controlling you and stealing your life away. This might not seem all that urgent to you just now: you fit in with the size zero trend, you get good grades at school (not that you care much!), and you are mostly preoccupied with how lonely and lovesick you are. Food may not seem that urgent. But it won't go away, it will just get worse. You are using food to deal with that loneliness and sadness. Food cannot be a solution to those problems, it is only going to add to them.
When you go away to Uni, people will not be impressed by your slim frame, they will be scared and keep their distance. You too will become scared and distressed and face a painful and difficult battle to get back to a socially acceptable weight. As you navigate your twenties, you will miss out on team lunches, romantic meals with boyfriends, you won't even eat a slice of your own 30th birthday cake. When your PhD supervisor (yes, you do end up with a PhD, I know...) takes you and your boyfriend for a meal to celebrate passing your viva, the food takes up all your attention, leaving little space to enjoy the achievement, occasion, or company. You will find yourself rising two hours early to write guiltily in your journal that your boyfriend deserves better and that you wish you didn't always feel fat in the mornings. Is this what you dream of?
This is not a game. It is a serious illness. You are not just being healthy. This will not go away, it will not be ok without you acting to change things, it will just get harder. Eventually you will come to find yourself desperate for something better. Size zero and 'healthy' diets don't seem that interesting at 30, and it turns out that that isn't what this is about at all, that was one of anorexia's lies. Choose something better now. Don't lose another 12 years to this. Don't give yourself another 12 years of bad habits and well-rehearsed fears to fight. It will only make your life harder when you discover that you want something more.
Yes, you can have relationships and anorexia. You can have jobs and anorexia. You can stay out of hospital and hold onto anorexia. But you will find anorexia limits what you can give and get in those relationships and jobs. You will find yourself with a wonderful boyfriend who checks with you if it will be ok to surprise you by taking you out for dinner. Your boss will keep emphasizing that you mustn't work too hard - you don't, he is worried about your weight. You deserve to be free to enjoy romance and spontaneity, free to excel at work without feeling defined by your illness.
Life is so much more than this - there is so much richness to it. You can travel, enjoy spontaneous lunches in Parisian cafes, drink champagne on top of the Eiffel tower at sunset. Visit Stockholm and Poland and experiment with different cultures and cuisines. You can show your boyfriend Scotland, and drink wine together by the fire after long days walking in the countryside, sharing your favourite views and old memories.You can watch eagles soar over Dun Caan, run in the sea, kiss on top of windy Devon Tors. Recovery has brought you all these experiences. The sooner you start, the sooner life can bring you these things that you dream of. Anorexia will steal them away - spontaneity, living in the moment, nurturing your body and mind, loving wholeheartedly and freely, these are the stuff of life and why recovery is absolutely necessary and worth it.
Deep down you know that things are not ok. Do you want 30 year old H to enjoy cake and champagne on her birthday? I know you dream of marriage. So does 30 year old you. The main thing getting in the way at 30 is probably the fact that you are only now getting on with fighting this illness. At some point you will be faced with these choices: life or anorexia, love or anorexia. Who will you give yourself to? Choose life, choose now, know that you want and deserve better than anorexia. You want love, and romance, and Paris, and freedom, and fun. Take a deep breath, and ask for the help that you need, and accept support if and when it is offered. You cannot do this alone, and you cannot get better when your mind is still playing games - that is why you need others to help you, people who can see clearly that fruit is not a meal, and that as long as you are always angling for the lightest version of everything, you will not be free to enjoy the full richness of life without an eating disorder.
Finally, know that whatever happens, and whenever you get the support that you need, this was NOT your fault, you have nothing to be ashamed of, and you deserve love and care just as you are. Anorexia is an illness, not a choice. And it is never too late to start the recovery process. I feel sad for you at 18, you really did deserve better, and I'm sorry that you couldn't see that. One way or another, by 30 you will, and I'm glad. I hope that that will be because you have tasted the freedom of recovery - and relished it all the more for having experienced the small world of anorexia.
"Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy - the experiences that make us most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light." Brene Brown.
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." Dr Seuss.
